monkeypup

For the longest time, my mantra has been “Open Source over Commercial.” I’m not sure whether it was the geek in me trying to fit in with all the open source geeks, an attempt to fight the man or just my compulsive habit of trying anything different. Whatever it was, it’s gone now.

I played with Linux distributions to replace Windows, only to come back to XP for the convenience and compatibility with my favorite programs. I tried music program after music program, only to return to itunes for the its many features and its well-integrated store. Likewise for Photoshop, Illustrator, MS Office and more.

It’s just a fact that commercial products are better-supported, more regularly updated and usually just of higher quality. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still use Open Source products when they are the best alternative (VLC, Firefox, Notepad++, Launchy to name a few), but I’ve stopped going out of my way to use Open Source products just because they’re Open Source.

So, maybe I’m supporting an evil empire here and there. But what can you do? I guess, sometimes, you have to revert to the old hackneyed expression “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

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This weekend, I decided to retire my Star Wars pillowcase. I didn’t want to do it, but 25 years of wear and tear have made their mark.

Goodbye Pillowcase, I’ll miss you.

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Imagine a little scene for me, if you will. You’re sitting there, in the living room of your apartment. You pop a copy of “Schindler’s Fist” in your dvd player, hoping to get your shwerve on. You start to do that sinful thing that one does while watching pornography, when suddenly, your door busts open and a man waving a sword runs in, accusing you of rape.

Talk about embarrassing. It would be bad enough for the guy to break into your house brandishing a weapon, but to do so when you’re dick-deep in onanistic activities? I doubt I’d ever be able to get an erection again! Shit, it was traumatic enough when I almost got caught by my mom. And she doesn’t even own a sword!

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Here is a New York Times article on Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. While they have some good questions in the article, they miss the ones that I would consider far more critical. At least from the male perspective. I don’t really know which questions women should ask prospective grooms. Probably shit like “Are you willing to buy tampons at the grocery store if needed?” or “Do you like potpourri?” Stuff like that. Who knows what goes on in their heads? Not me. Anyway, men, if you are planning to get married, be sure to ask the following:

1. What are your feelings on televised sports, video games, pornography and strip clubs?
2. Do you believe in living rooms without TVs in them?
3. Will I be able to keep that framed movie poster for Reservoir Dogs (Star Wars, Godfather, etc)?
4. Will you be cool with a large screen television in one (or more) of our rooms?
5. Do you like (Insert movie you find tremendously funny)?

So what if you both have the same career goals or you both want kids? If you like porn and she won’t let you have it, you’ve got problems. If you don’t share a sense of humor, life is going to be harder on you. If you get invited to the strip club with the guys, but you have to lie to your wife to go there, that spells trouble. Unlike many men, I knew the answers to all of the above before I got married.

For the record - My Wife:
1. Shares my feelings on sports (hates), video games (loves), pornography (no problem) and strip clubs (could care less if I go).
2. Would never dream of a living room without a TV.
3. Has no problem with the 6 foot cardboard cut-out of Homer Simpson in our guest bedroom and “The Kramer” on the wall.
4. Loves large-screen TVs as much as I do.
5. Love the same comedies I do. Namely: 40 Year Old Virgin, Grandma’s Boy, Old School, Office, Billy Madison, et al.

Man, I am one lucky motherfucker.

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